Humour


Announcements that appeared in church bulletins:

  • The new elders have been duly elected and will be found pinned to the notice board at the back of the hall.
  • Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.
  • Thursday night-Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Actual excuses sent to school by parents

  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please excuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
  • John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken off his face.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhoea and his boots leak.
  • Please excuse John for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn’t find him until I started making the beds.
  • Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Evolution

  • Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway!

Shorts

  • Forty years ago, in a church in Yorkshire, a stained glass window of great beauty was being dedicated to God. “What’s it for?” whispered a small girl. Her father replied. “It’s in memory of all the men and women who died in the services.” There was an anxious pause, before the little girl asked, “Did they die in the morning services or the evening services?”
  • A family was on holiday in a remote cottage in North Wales – no electricity, no water, gas only from a camping stove. At bedtime the daughter was very brave about going upstairs with her mother by the light of a candle. She became fearful only when a draught blew through the bedroom door and the candle went out, leaving them in total darkness. “I’m going downstairs to get the matches,” said her mother, “but you need not be afraid because Jesus is here with you.” “Oh, dear,” replied the daughter. “Couldn’t you stay here and we’ll send Jesus for the matches?

About David Allsopp

Married, 4 children, Christian, Head of IT
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